Being Jane and tales of labor day

Tarzan has been missing so missus spent the weekend being Jane. Cutting bushes, laying paths, a new sprinkler system, raised bed and the ususal fall stuff, mulching-composting and planting bulbs.
Labor day is very American holiday, Monday off to make the last long weekend of the summer. Schools start after labor day, but way back from my childless days, labor day has been about last labor intensive projects of the year. Such projects involve dirt, rocks, beams , power tools etc and ofcouse a week long administration advil post adventure.
1998 my first ever intensive labor day, my friend asks,
so what are you doing this labor day?
I have renter a rototiller, I plan on re-sodding the back yard.
My dear friend V has since learnt, that I am not kidding.
I have laid concrete pathways, build arbors, painted the house, build raised beds, re-planted, installed water features, built Japanese gardens, installed sprinkler systems, deleted trees and bushes and ofcourse, re-sodded the back yard. This year was relatively less adventurous, apart from the installing the sprinklers, there wasn't much of technical difficulty. Mostly it was wheel barrowing the landscape rock to raise the retaining wall of the raised bed, placing the sprinkler pipes in place, new plantings, taking out some 10 year old ( and very well entrenched bushes) and mulching. I also placed some landscape spotlights( the solar panel kind). The yard doesn't look much yet, just kinda large and clean, but at night the lights light up the place well.
The sprinkler system has been a huge fight for me. I live in the pacific northwest, it rains nine months a year here, why should I need a sprinkler system? I don't care that my yard turns brown and crispy by the time July ends. I don't care much about the lawn, it comes back like the neighborhood cat, every year.
But after my third clematis Montana died this summer, I have been thinking. The arbor has been there for three years and the hydrangeas look puny, the the honeysuckle is on its last legs, the wisteria is doing great, but my darling clematis is dead again. I have a south facing back yard, on a quarter of an acre lot, I get all the sun I could hope to get in this place. The down side of the nine months of the rain is that there is so much water on the surface that the plants never root too deeply and then comes the droughty three months of straight sun. Sigh! So, sprinklers it is. But I really need drip system, fine I need to find something that can do both and I am NOT watering the grass.
Now as I sip my reisling and watch my micro-filters spray droplets of water and the laser cut soaker water the roses, I smell the musky end of the summer as the water hits the parched earth . Spring is full of the hope of the elusive Ms Elizabeth showering me with the tiny white-pink blossoms I have been dreaming of ....
Here's hoping!

...

And so it goes.
churn in life, in life of people around me. It is amazing to see how many differences of opinions exist. It is easy to say everthing is relative but when you see it implemented around you, it is baffling. Life, relationships, needs, connection, trust, love, family, truth, right or wrong? It is weird how everyone is convinced that they have it right, and truth be told, they do. Only it is their version of the truth, something that lets them go on with their life, take actions and feel good about themselves and their actions. Are they right? What gives people the right to tout their version of truth as the only one out there? Impose it on others?
I see people in every phase of a relationship, the good, the bad and the ugly. And all of them have their valid stories. And what about me? The truths I have learnt and what I know? Where does that stack up against all this?

big question to be pondered.

Omkara

This weekend, I went to watch the movie, Omkara, 15 mins into the movie, I was itching to go buy the soundtrack. The movie was very nice. Othello, has been one of my favorites, mostly because of my feministic tendencies. But more about the movie and Othello at some other times, this is about the music.
It has been a dry season as far as new hindi music is concenred. But the wait is so over!
Ah! I couldn't believe, I did not buy this CD earlier, with music of Maachis, Satya and Maqbool under his belt, I should have known better.

Omkara. Sukhvinder Singh
Uma’s favorite track in the album. It has captured the iterant –singer-retelling-a - folk-lore element very well. Very very nice.
The song starts with a jangly sound akin to an ektara . The music wells, as a metallic clang of a matka and percussion join and then tinkling of ghunghroo, the beat is taken on by the Nagada and unexpectedly, sound of clapping hands. The beauty of the song is in how the beat is carried forward on varied instruments, like a relay race the baton is passed from the booming drum- to the war drums to the matka- to the clapping hands- to the wooden stick- to the voices of the chorus and then back- to the booming drums. The song relies very heavily on Sukhvinder Singh’s voice which waxes and wanes and moves thru the octaves effortlessly. There are plenty of modern tricks like multiphased echos and reverb and the synth filling in spaces; it is done with subtlety, cleverly disguised by overlaying chorus. Masterful.

O Saathi Re Shreya Ghoshal, Vishal Bharadwaj
Starts with keyboard piece which with a very subtle use of the metal kabbas, transitioning to Shreya’s voice. Flute, subtle beat and occasional twirling of the kabbas. There is a full orchestra in the background( a bevy of violins in tow), but it doesn’t overwhelm the song. The short synth piece in the middle seems false. The guitar is nice, Vishal and Shreya’s voice blend well and convey the languorous, sensual mood of the song very well. The ending piece when the orchestra lets off is very nicely done.

Beedi Sunidhi Chauhan, Sukhvinder Singh, Nachiketa Chakravorty, Clinton Cerejo
The raunchy lyrics are uttered with a relish! Sunidhi is awesome, the song utilized her vocal chords well as she backs up Bipasha’s seductive eyes with her voice. Sukhvinder Singh is himself ( love the way he rolls his r’s :)). Nachiketa Chakrotrovorty is an interesting find, the male voices blend well except for the first few lines where hand offs have an edge. Somewhere in the middle the song switches for a bit to good old harmonium and dhol, and the song carries on as if nothing happened. The end is nice and abrupt.

Gulzar out did himself in this album, I never expected this from him. The dialect is perfect, the imagery, leaves you a little stunned. The vocabulary is a little arcane; you feel the impact, rather than understand it. Very in keeping with wordsmith image.

Jag Ja Suresh Wadekar
I haven’t heard the guy in a while, in the movie the lullaby-like song doesn’t have any musical accompaniment, in the CD the music is at its minimum. The minimalistic style adds to the song very well. The words are amusing, the guy is trying to wake up the girl, calling her a doll, a princess, a fairy a queen and then things like ‘ Mooi’ and ‘Maari’ ( god forsaken). Very pretty.

Namak Rekha Bhardwaj, Rajesh Pandit
Sung by Rekha Bhardwaj, a fully trained classical musician ( and Vishal's significant other), it has definite makings of the 'item' numbers. She has rich trained voice. Song is sung in a semi-sufiana style ( with the back ground chorus a-la- Qawali), with harmonium, tabla as the instruments of choice. The training in Rekha’s voice is very obvious as she renders the semi-classical vocal gyrations with ease. The pace is controlled, as always, by the percussion.

Naina Rehat Fateh Ali Khan
Of the ‘Rahet Fateh Ali’ style, strong on vocals and

minimalistic in music, yet it manages to distinguish itself. The overwhelming sense of betrayal; helplessness, anguish is palpable, some of it is the words-some of it is the music. Naina thag le ge…
Haunting.

Laakad Rekha Bharadwaj

Laakad jal kar koyla hoye jaye, Koyla hoye jaye khak;
Jeya jale to kuch na hoye re, naa, dhooa naa rakh

Nice rendition, in keeping with the tone, wistful, melancholy ….
The song starts with a sound of a oars dipping in the water, the dhak carries the beat of the oars. Synth backdrop, mostly keyboard, violins. Rekha's voice emotes better than Kareena's face. The song ends with a huge audible sigh. Very well done.

Tragedy of Omkara
Short piece, instrumental. Stands up on its on an not just a medley of the soundtrack. Ominous, overwhelming cresendo. What seems like the marching army, or is it Othello’s destiny?

Verdict? With this one album, this guy is now on my list of composers to buy before I listen. One of the best albums I have heard in a while.

Never assume malice...

... when ignorance will do.

Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna

It has been a while since I wrote about Hindi film music,a dry season so far, not much to write about. There are three Hindi movie music directors that I would buy, without listening. Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy are one of the trio. While their sound is not heavy duty, the soul gripping kind, it is, light and frothy, easy on the ears, without sounding like a total rip off. Vocals are ususally the best you can get ( I love the Shankar's voice) and the songs are usually grounded with a very strong underlying beat.
This is one of their weaker album, I almost didn't write this post, I was so disappointed....

Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna- the title track is insipid and uninspiring. I am not a big fan of Sonu Nigam and Alka Yagnik, I wish I could blame them... The opening bars on the piano and synth transition start out nice, the solo voice with just the piano bars kinda keep you listening to the first 15 seconds. As soon as the percussion ( a ghatam like sound) starts, the song is lost. From there on it is banal. Reminiscent of a hundred songs you might have heard. The musical interlude borrow the theme from kal ho naa ho.
Disappointing.

Mitwa- Shafqat Amanat Ali, Shankar Mahadevan, Caralisa.
This is typical Shankar Mahadevan fare. Reminds me of one of his initial albums, breathless. Full of energy, he completely lets go of his voice, the result is very nice. The two male voices blend really well. The beat is at odds with the song, it overpowers the song. The dhin-chak after the first salvo makes me want to cry, it ruins the effect, subtler beats would have been so much better ....The lyrics are the by Javed Akhtar, the words make this an introspective song,
yeh jindagi jo hai nachti to
kyon bediyon me hai tere paon.
Alas...

Where's the party tonight-Shaan, Vasundhara Das, Loy, Shankar Mahadevan.
As the words say, a dance floor song, strong two step beat and tons of echo effects. Vasundhar's voice has so much substance to it, it is not the typical ephemeral, ethereal voice ( like Lata, shreya et all), earthy without being all character, bordering atonal (like Ila Arun) and fills the song nicely. Between Vasundhara and Shaan and the occasional taan's by Shankar, the song is dancable, listenable, hummable version 2 of 'its the time to disco' ( kaal ho na ho).
Okay...

Tumhe Dekho Na - Sonu Nigam, Alka Yagnik
Extention of title song. Pretty much the same stuff. forgive me for not being inspired.

Mitwa Revisited - Shafqat Amanat Ali, Shankar Mahadevan, Caralisa.
Umm, being better acquainted with the song does nothing to improve its charm. This time the beats are heavier, while the heavier beats take away any pretense to introspections (words or no words), it transitions to a good old dhin- chak song. And it fits in with the 50 million songs produced in bollywood for this category. :( Ok, that was too harsh, but serously, I expected more from these guys.

Rock N Roll Soniye - Shankar Mahadevan, Shaan, MahaLaxmi Iyer
Now, this is what I was talking about. It is, as the song says, bhangra on rock n roll. The song is high energy with a hyper beat. But the beat is not the only thing contributing to the soongs charms, it has numerous little interludes that come in and change the song's pace.
The attempt at baritone by Shankar Mahadevan adds a little something to the song. The sar pe -topi lal interlude is interesting as is the boogie woogie piano work. The wham-bam reference threw me off a little :)
The mainstay of the song is beat, the basic beat is a two step which sort of holds the song together. The second beat which overlays moves it between, rock and roll and bhangra and at times goes double time into with the typical shift level piano work...very very nice.
Love the 50 rock n roll with jazz, R& B and gospel influence. I love they way they have merged the two different music genres and made it sound so seamless and comfortable in each other's proximity.
rock and roll - to the beat of the dhool
Honey honey honey honey mere sang dol -- to the double time is lovely, it makes me break out into a big ol grin even when I hear it in my head :)

Farewell trance-Shweta Pandit, Caralisa
Erm, what? this is a plain old instrumental for the title track, need I say more?


Over all, the album was redeemed by that one number. I am sure, all songs will look lovely on the screen.

As far as the movie is concerned, all I can say is I am intrigued. Karan Johar has made a lot of name for himself in the past few years. The movies he has directed or produced have been lavish affairs, exceptionally executed with remarkable attention to detail. Stylistically he is wonderful. But the topics addressed and the treatment of the topics has been, erm, naive. The settings are ususally affluent and the motivations noble. Sordid details, petty meanesses have no room. That is not real. So this venture, which talks of relationships, with the byline "what do you do, if you meet your soulmate, when you are married to someone else?" leaves me, as I said before, intrigued.
There are rumblings of the movie being a rip off of silsila and/or closer. The guy is shah rukh khan, and from the previews, it looks like he is being his usual self. So despite Rani and Abhishek, my hopes are not very high content-wise. But one thing I am sure of, it will be a treat for my eyes :)

Perfectionism ...

... is the highest order of self-abuse.

how's that for a rattling thought?

Seattle

Sedona

the eggs

I though of that old joke.
This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." And, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?"
And the guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs."

Well, I guess that's pretty much how I feel about relationships. They're totally irrational and crazy and absurd...,but I guess we keep going through it because... most of us need the eggs.

( Annie Hall)

Arizona

I can't hear what you are saying....
.. because who you are speaks too loud!

( i am a collecter of witticisms.. here's another)

Demings principles

1. Create constancy of purpose towards improvement of product and service, with the aim to become competitive, stay in business, and to provide jobs.
2. Adopt the new philosophy. We are in a new economic age. Western management must awaken to the challenge, must learn their responsibilities, and take on leadership for change.
3. Cease dependence on inspection to achieve quality. Eliminate the need for inspection on a mass basis by creating quality into the product in the first place.
4. End the practice of awarding business on the basis of price tag. Instead minimize total cost. Move towards a single supplier for any one item, on a long term relationship of loyalty and trust.
5. Improve constantly and forever the system of production and service, to improve quality and productivity, and thus constantly decrease costs.
6. Institute training on the job.
7. Institute leadership (see point 12.) The aim of leadership should be to help people and machines and gadgets to do a better job. Leadership of management is in need of overhaul, as well as leadership of production workers.
8. Drive out fear so that everyone may work effectively for the company.
9. Break down barriers between departments. People in research, design, sales, and production must work as a team, to foresee problems of production and in use that may be encountered with the product or service.
10. Eliminate slogans, exhortations, and targets for the work force that ask for zero defects and new levels of productivity.
11. Eliminate work standards (quotas) on the factory floor. Substitute leadership. Eliminate management by objective. Eliminate management by numbers, numerical goals. Substitute leadership.
12. Remove barriers that rob the hourly worker of his right to pride of workmanship. The responsibility of supervisors must be changed from sheer numbers to quality. Remove barriers that rob people in management and in engineering of their right to pride in workmanship. This means inter alia, abolishment of the annual or merit rating and of management by objective, management by the numbers
13. Institute a vigorous program of education and self-improvement.
14. Put everybody in the company to work to accomplish the transformation. The transformation is everybody's job.

Something new?

I am at the edge of a change, no, not that kind of a change, I not quite 45 yet. Another kind, where I am looking at what I do for a living and what do I expect out of it in addition to keeping a roof on my head, bread on my table and my daughter in expensive private school. The kind of contemplation that should start when one is done with the raising of kids and happens at the same time as the empty nest syndrome. When people who were running around like headless chickens from work to home to pick up the kids to buy groceries to cooking the meal to feeding to cleaning and back to running to drop off the kids and being late for work meetings... wake up one morning at 55 with kids gone and nothing to rush to anymore. I do things ahead of my time, so I guess, I entered the vanprastha earlier too :)

Back to, what do I do, what does it give me? what do I look for in a job? what would I love to do? When I come upon this article in slate.
http://www.slate.com/id/2132576/?nav=navoa

It is about the joys owning a charming neighborhood cafe. And i start dreaming ....

The small cafe connects to the fantasy of throwing a perpetual dinner party, and it cuts deeper—all the way to Barbie tea sets—than any other capitalist urge.

It can't be that hard to make money off coffee, the trail blazed by starbucks has gotten people used to expensive coffee ... An espresso that required about 18 cents worth of beans (and we used very good beans) was sold for $2.50 with nary an eyebrow raised on either side of the counter. A dab of milk froth or a splash of hot water transformed the drink into a macchiato or an Americano, respectively, and raised the price to $3. The house brew too cold to be sold for $1 a cup was chilled further and reborn at $2.50 a cup as iced coffee, a drink whose appeal I do not even pretend to grasp.


Just when I was being lulled by a vision of cozy life with no hurry mornings , where I could take the time to chat and make coffee, here it comes the reality check. with numbers, Budgeting $15 for the payroll for every hour your charming cafe is open (let's say 10 hours a day) relieves you of $4,500 a month. That gives you another $4,500 a month for rent and $6,300 to stock up on product. It also means that to come up with the total needed $18K of revenue per month, you will need to sell that product at an average of a 300 percent markup.

I don't have a marriage to fear for, but apparently, it can have detrimental effects on one...Two highly educated professionals with artistic aspirations have just put themselves—or, as we saw it, each other—on $8-per-hour jobs slinging coffee. After four more months, we grew suspicious of each other's motives, obsessively kept track of each other's contributions to the cause ("You worked three days last week!"), and generally waltzed on the edge of divorce.

but the coup de grâce was the quote from the bad boy chef Anthony Bourdain "The most dangerous species of owner ... is the one who gets into the business for love."

That seals it, the only reason I would go into a business would be for the love of it ... essentially making it a bad proposition. Where did the entrepreneurial skills of my immigrant grandpa go I wonder, they haven't been handed to me.

So another day and another dream squashed. But tomorrow’s another day, and I am sure I'll find an occupation which will allow me to bring world peace, or utilize my sabre tongue to write some scathing reviews... while allowing me to make the six figure salary that I do right now...

Closure

what is it about things that makes us wants to paint things in clear black and white, even though a side of us knows about the grayscale-ness of the palette that paints this world and the people in it? The things I talk about is people and all situations with people in them are cloudy.
They say an unexamined life is not worth living; so, most of us thinking beings go to murky places and people in our minds; to wander through misty landscapes to see clearly and alas, pigeonhole; something we euphemistically call 'learning from our past'.
Let me take you though one such journey ....

Why did he do that and why did I let him?

the proponents of Lean Software Development say that every time you attempt root cause analysis ( RCA), you ask ‘why’ five times . So, here goes:

Why did he do it?
It was in his interest to act this way.

Why?
this way he could have his cake and eat it too.

Why?
Because he did not want to choose(lose).

Why?
because choosing would make him lose either the cake or the eating of it; and he did not want to lose either.

Why?
Because he is a effing loser!

Brilliant, RCA leads to pigeonholing and since X was a loser, I was a better person and it is so much better this way. Good riddance to bad rubbish etc.

well, thinking minds are not so easy to quieted, middle of the night I am up again, if X was such a loser why did I let him go on so?

RCA at my rescue again ...

Why did I let him go on so?
because I did not see it at first.

Why ?
because I wanted to believe.

Why?
because I am an optimist, and I don't want to give up on hope.

Why?
because if hope is gone there is nothing to live for.

Why?
because I need a reason outside of me to live.

Why? because I am an effign sop who cannot live just because.

Great, so now I was in a pigeon hole too,
I stank because I was needy
And he stank because he was greedy...

What a great world, all is black!

Next morning after enough coffee to drown a child, as I was driving to work, my mind flashed back to the moment by the lake; peace, calm that was palpable, it felt good sitting silently, feeling really still inside and being able to share the beauty of the moment. That was good. And suddenly the blackness of the world lifted. It is not all bad. It never is. There is good in everyone, and believing needs you to be able to see the white despite the black.
I guess that is as close to closure I will get in this life time, and it ain't so bad.

Khana khazana: a restaurant; a review

Those who can, do; those who can’t, review. There is a whole career to be made out of nit-picking; it is called being a critic. So, here I go try to be an amateur critic. This time it is a restaurant. My work takes me to recruiting trips across the college campuses in the country. Most of these trips I spend time fighting the strong urge to back to school and taking photographs of the beautiful buildings and the old trees( I also do tech interviews somewhere in there). American school campuses seem to be the last place where you see old trees and old buildings any more ... in snob-speak culture, art and history :). When on these trips, I eat occasionally and this review is from my recent visit to a college campus in the mid-west.

The Review
A simple enough shop front. Double-door entry, presumably to keep the cold out? The dark carpet and off white walls with yellow lighting greets me.
Hello, table for one?
The nice blond girl asks me, her black tie and white shirt don’t make her any less of a pleasant girl next door. She guides me to a secluded corner table by the window, the maroon and gold drapery overpower the window and weird Grecian statuette in bronze sits in the window, I don’t quite get the point, but then I look around. Christmas lights drape a pillar in the middle of the eating space and the walls around. The big-wide dinning hall is set up with cheap formica table and ‘tent house’( rental) chairs. The tables have linen table cloths covered with a sheet of transparent glass and solitary bud vase with a fake orchid. The silver ware is wrapped in a paper napkin, which seesm vaguely at odds with the luxurious look of the table cloth and draperies. I look around; pots of fake ferns and ivy cling to the ceiling. A wall scone with ugly red leaf caladium, which is horrible enough real ... plastic, does nothing to improve its charms. Framed posters of blooming renoir roses on the walls and the madhubani- style prints of radha, Krishna and gopi(s). As if to remind the diners of the Indian culture a golden temple poster and strip proclaiming jai shree ram, a poster elucidating geeta -saar and another one with gayatri mantra.
The decor in indian restaurants always leaves me surprised... There is some much going as far as Indianizing a look is concerned.. what happened? Why is it limited to cheap posters of taj mahal and golden temple and completely unbalanced madhubani knockoffs with unbelievably long torso-ed (with choli's that defy description) and shockingly blue ( or black ) face Krishna? I have seen a couple Indian restaurants that look pleasant, one had done a decent job with draped saris on the walls, the look was very harem-ish and not quite Indian, still it was better than the regular fare.
The other one was a cafe, with garage sale gathered mismatched tables and chairs painted pretty spring colors ( lime and lemonade and cherry blossom), the lighting was turned over colanders as lamp shades for bulbs hanging from the pipes in the ceiling ( it was a turned around warehouse), each table had mechanical puzzles, I used to spend hours and hours, the food was awesome, non greasy and wholesome( very home cooked) and the owners were an adorable couple who talked of a Delhi before my time... they closed. Sigh!

The Food
It was buffet, in the evening... which took me by surprise, not very many offer a buffet in the evening. The spread was limited on the number of items but there were some unusual things like bhel-puri, fruit cream, upma, aloo bhaaji, chicken vindaloo, kadhi and non-orange-tandoori chicken.
I opted for Kadhi, Upma, Goat curry and raita with Naan. Kadhi was lovely, suitably tart and non viscous, with pakodas weren’t that great, hard centers and too much besan. The goat curry was awesome, the meat was succulent( not dry) and the curry did not overpower with tomatoes or garam masala. Upma was nice and grainy -- perfect consistency and tasted light and fluffy, rather like a well stirred halwa, only salty :) .The raita had grated carrots, which did nothing for the texture or the taste.

Dessert
The pièce de résistance, fruit cream. I haven't had fruit cream since my mom made it for us, when I was in high school( you don’t want to know when that was :)). It was suitably sweet and creamy, and tasted nothing like the knockoffs in condensed milk or sweetened yogurt. It had apples (fresh) and cherries and pineapples (canned).... delicious. I (in a generous mood) had once taken someone to have a cherry coke from Ruby's. It was a sweltery hot day and this elixir called cherry-coke is coke on ice with grenadine and canned cherries. It is a little piece of heaven when it is hot and you are parched. My guest took a sip and remarked upon the artificial flavoring in the cherries 'I can smell it from a mile away'... um, that was so not the point dude, this is not gourmet coffee… it is coke... But I digress. So canned cherries in the fruit cream, along with the pineapple and grapes and apples, made for a yummy dessert. The gulab jammun, standard out-of-a-box fare, nice and hot with no lumps in the center, so not bad.

The Chai
As my Brit friend Tony said, you Indians ruin a perfectly good cup of tea. He must have been talking about the tea I had here. They had taken delicate Darjeeling tea, light and very fragrant and added tons of tea masala and boiled itlong enough with enough milk to murder any delicacy. With the first sip I wondered if it was the case of over-boiled tea-- made with leftover tea leaves that have been boiled for long. But then, I realized that it was a 'weak tea leaves' made in 'strong style'. What a waste …

Verdict

decor - 4/10
food - 7.5/10
dessert - 8.5/10
chai- 2.5 /10

Regret

My life seems to be full of the usual struggles right now. It is quaint, this feeling of deja vu. Work stress and work hope. As you might have guessed work forms a fair part of my life ( the rest of it is my six year old.. and yes, I know I have a limited life :D)
Anyhow, questions I ask myself... where do I want to go? What is most important to me? When I look back in 10 years time what things would I have regret doing? and more importantly what things would I regret not doing? And what could I have done differently (knowing what I know now) ten years ago?
The last one is the easiest question. I think for a bit, but I know, I would not have done anything differently. The decisions I took and the life I've led, the mistakes I have made and the tears I have cried have very much made me who I am today. And I really like who I am, now, more than ever. Looking back at all those years, I realize that I have almost no regrets of having not done something. I have, if anything taken crazy risks... and put everything at stake, I have lost and lost some more, yet.
So, the question then --- what is it that I am really afraid of?

I am afraid of regret.

Ha, nice!

So, here's to regret--

He said I was in my early forties,
with a lot of life before me
And one moment came that stopped me on a dime
I spent most of the next days,
looking at the x-rays
Talking bout' the options and talking bout' sweet times.
I asked him when it sank in, that this might really be the real end
How's it hit 'cha when you get that kind of news?
Man what did ya do?
He said:

I went skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'
And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'

Child 'o mine....

Feb makes me mushy, I stop and look at places I walk by everyday and the cherry trees that start showing signs of life.... and the hundred things that I take for granted everyday, but most of all it is the little girl asking me millions of questions a day, sharing her discoveries and secrets with me that brings tears of gratefulness to my eyes.
Thank heavens for her.
Here's carol king... saying it much better that I ever could....

Although you see the world
Different than me
Sometimes I can touch upon
The wonders that you see
And all the new colors and pictures you've designed
Oh, yes, sweet darling, So glad you are a child of mine

You don't need direction
You know which way to go
And I don't want to hold you back
I just want to watch you grow
You're the one who taught me
You don't have to look behind
Oh, yes, sweet darling, So glad you are a child of mine

Nobody's gonna kill your dreams
Or tell you how to live your life
They'll always be people to make it hard for awhile
But you'll turn their head when they see you smile
The times you were born in
May not have been the best
But you can make the times to come
Better than the rest
I know you will be honest
If you can't always be kind
Oh, yes, sweet darling, So glad you are a child of mine

What have you seen lately ...

I consider myself a well hardened cynical sort of a person, but over the course of past week, I managed to see not one but two movies, which nearly moved me to tears ( there were actual tears in one instance only …) .

Brokeback Mountain. Set in breathtaking locales (mostly Canadian Rockies), It is a story to two men and a strange relationship. Love stories don't move me so anymore because the obstacles to love seem so artificial. Religion, color, caste, marriage, duty all of these have oft been explored and in this day and age, it is so hard to believe that someone would give up all consuming love because of them. But this was slightly different, in that set in the early 60s -70s when a different sexual orientation was equated with being 'queer', the fear of ostracism was fear for your life. The portrayal of the way the relationship starts and what it becomes, is amazing in its credibility and subtlety. As it progresses, it is painful to watch the toll the relationship takes. If you can't fix it you gotta stand it... so says Ennis, and stand it, he does, as stoically as only a cowboy could. And Jack, the rodeo cowboy, full of life... you see life slowly seep out of him as the secrecy and elusiveness of the relationship take its toll on him, I wish I knew how to quit you...

Rang De Basanti. The story of generation born in free India. This has been a somewhat common phenomenon in Hindi movies in the past decade.
Maachis comes to mind as the first movie where a bunch of young men and women find themselves caught up in something far beyond their meter. Dil Chahta Hai, ended up being a coming of age movie while Swades focused on the 'what have you done for your country lately' sentiment, albeit from the NRI standpoint. Lakshaya was perhaps the most direct of them all.
This generation does not have a purpose, it does not have a belief system. They are mostly culturally and religiously agnostic people cut adrift in the society. They hate the system, the corruption, the ostentation... and yet they feel helpless when it comes to doing something about it....partly because they lack role models and partly because the job is so huge they can't fathom starting it. Rang De Basanti carries the story a bit farther. It is an extreme story. But the amazing part is how real the portrayal is.
No mushy-unbelievable melodrama. You see these young people transforming. Doing things they used to think were completely and utterly over the top. The testament to the movie was the stuffed movie hall in which I saw the movie. Usually smart alec-y comments abound from my co- movie-watchers, for the buffoons watching the movies are just as incredulous of things like purpose, belief in something beyond themselves. The first half was all laughter and fun (with the high point being the blue-eyed blond Gwyneth Paltrow look-alike letting out a full fledged Hindi epithet 'ma-ki -'... oh the thunderous applause!). The second half the pace changes, there is blood and gore and the crowd of some 400 viewer is carried thru the journey of transformation, not a single cackle. Maybe the change wasn't just in the movie....

Children...

• You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
• Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
• Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
• Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
• The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
  
  I love my child to death, but she does have the moments when I wonder, why O h Why did I decide to have a kid :). It is a completly different story that mommy bear will not let anyone else growl at her baby bear .. infact she will growl them out of her house, if they as much as attmpt to look mad at her baby bear ... parents!

Glory...

yippee..
Glory Road is the right now highest box office grosser... 16.5M
( it will probably change soon…)
My two loves in the same place, Josh and basketball
:D

'appy New Year!

It is new year.. time for resolutions! One of those boring things that most people do. The most popular ones being 'getting in shape' and 'getting organized' which account for the lack of parking at the gym and the million storage sales in the first week of Jan. I have been trolling the headlines ( and the sales signs and gyms apparently) to glean this information and another interesting resolution seems to be ‘getting the personal life in order’, finding that ‘someone’ in earnest, as evidenced by the flood of dating tips and statistics and all those discounts by the online dating services. Someone resolving to find a mate is great but others making the resolution for them is a bit, erm, daunting to say the least. I have had my once-a-year-contact-married friends dropping not so subtle hints ... all I got to say is , wow!!!
Anyhow, my resolutions.
This year I resolved to yes, like the rest of the mere mortals get organized, so storage container sales came in handy :). My house is organized, garage not so much.. but well begun is half done… and I have tons of containers.
Reflecting on the year past, I decided that I'd do at least one thing that I would regret not doing, if I were to die today. So traveling is the thing this year. Let’s see where it takes me.

I also decided to yell at myself less-- for instance, not go shopping unless I had written out list. I am old now, I should not yell at myself if I cannot keep a 30 item list in my brain. Doing so I will be following some very good advice 'brain space is at a premium, never memorize anything that can be written down on a piece of paper'. Then again, my brain is notorious for selectively picking up things. It is like the unpredictable child that picks up pebbles off a beach as it fancies. But the larger goal is to be nice to myself... I am sure I can mange that :)

Last thing, I will floss regularly. This is one of those things that I attempt to do... and then forget. I have bought a big box of waxed floss from costco, so that I don't fall short of this because of resources.

Uma surprised me with one of her own. She told me ' I want to take better care of my things' and as I was wondering where she came up with this from, she came running and gave me a big ol' hug, 'like giving you more hugs, mommy '
:D