A yellow tree

Tree by the wall ...

Tagged

the fifth line of the 23 entry.
well my 23 entry happens to be a photo entry.. pic of Mt Rainier.. titled 'Seattle-- my Home'.

So, a blank then?


Done.

Short Tales...

It was a dark and gloomy sunday morning. When did it become fall again?
The face in the mirror, familiar and yet...
The hollowness had left her cheek and the emptiness her eyes, her jacket didn't smell of cigarettes anymore...
I guess, I am finally over him, she thought to herself as she took a long satisfying sip of the dark roasted Sumatra.

***************************

She ran up the incline, panting, she was just 26 dammit, she was going to finish this god-awful marathon- she chided herself, even as her body complained. In ten years, she might not be able to pull it off. Besides, she was not sure she'd find the motivation again.

She stopped for a breather at the volunteers table and picked up a paper cup of water.

Peter, do you need some water?
No dad, I am good.
Ok, lets go then... all set?
Yup, Dad.

The balding man put the little boy with paralyzed legs in a harness and attached the harness to his back and took off.

Maybe, she'd find reasons. Her hand went instinctively to her flat belly and her mind to the unopened six pack of EPT she had bought at costco last evening.
She tossed the papercup, missing the gray bin, smiled at the volunteer as she started running. Suddenly, it seemed easier.

*****************************

Words were blurry, the cursor blinked crazily. Her fingers could not find the keys on her laptop. Thoughts formed and as she went to type them, they vaporized... and she paused, with her fingers poised above the keyboard.
What is wrong with me? it is a fucking online ad-copy for godssake.. I used to be able to rattle them off in my sleep... I am getting old and senile and happy and fat, I can't keep a thought in my head long enough to see its colors...
Life had taken away the angst and without the angst her words weren't poignant enough. Her thoughts were like well fed puppies, they held people for less than five seconds before they left to read about someone else’s searing pain. Love was killing her career.

Hey you! up so early?
How can you see anything, you are wearing my glasses!
Here, coffee, just the way you like it, black without sugar,
he said, as he dropped a kiss on her tousled head.

She watched him close the door behind him as she nursed her favorite coffee cup.
This was worth everything.
She smiled as the blinking monitor shifted into focus.

******************************

Mom, why are the cars not moving?
umm, sweetie, I think there is an accident.
oh! what happened mommy?
I think someone was not being careful and they bonked their car.
Why is that person not moving?

I was not sure what to tell my child, I had not yet figured out whether I believe in God, if there existed such a thing as heaven, if there were souls, What was death? What happened to us when we died? I did not know how to answer her question.

Mommy, do you think he is dead?
Yes, sweetie. I think so.

I guess, for now, this is enough.

Time

A little over eight years ago, I started working for a software firm. It was the pre-dot-com era and I was glad to be finally doing what I loved doing anyway and getting paid for it. I loved my job. Thru the ups and downs of my life this one thing has been constant. Almost.

In the last couple years I have seen the stirrings of the seven year itch. This is not the job I loved, everywhere I look I see mediocrity and politics... coming into work is not a rush anymore and I do not long for my vacation to end so that I can go back to work.
What happened to it? Did I just get bored? Is it mid-life crisis? Or did the world at work really change?

I see so many people complain about the workplace.. most of them are just bitter 20-something 'grass is greener on the other side of the fence' complaints. Complaints of how people had it good 10-15 years ago and they could make easy millions by joining some software company and how they have been robbed of the opportunity ... basic complaints about having to work hard for the millions now.

But, I see things around me that I don't like, the firm is getting fat in the middle... Too much management and not enough people doing real work ... and most of the middle-management is pitiful anyway. Unhappy, scared, de-motivated, de-moralized people, not enough leadership in everyday life. Bad product strategy ... higher ups not in touch with reality and then the 'spin'-- for everything. Too much politics and not enough 'lets fix it.

This is not the place I started at... I was a green college grad student, who felt like she had finally come home. People were smart and worked hard. Nothing was impossible or too hard, there was integrity and fun. I loved it. I could walk down the hall to talk to the guy who wrote the API and have him tell me how and sometimes even acknowlege, my way of doing something was better than his original design.

I have given this place eight years and it has given me a lot back in return, a place to learn and grow, contribute to the world with what I do, a fat paycheck and a fatter benefits packet, friends and co-workers who are like my family now.

I have fought with people on why it is not the evil empire and why it is a great place to work.. why the review model and the curve are not arbitrary, how the interviews need to be that long. Folks tell me I have been drinking the company cool-aid too long:) but I just believe in a lot of these things that form the foundation of this place. I have seen really good managers who have used the tools of recruiting and reviewing in ways to promote happy and healthy teams. There is nothing really wrong with the system, every system can be used in ways that are counter to the principles that created it. Quoting Warren Buffet, Three things to look for in people you hire, they should be honest, hardworking and smart. The first two being essential, without which the third one actually becomes dangerous.

I read in JWZ's blog a long time ago, when he quit netscape he said, there are two kinds of people, people who make a company successful, and the kind of people who want to work for a successful company. I do believe the place I work for is now getting heavier in people of the second category. Sad as it sounds, this is not home anymore. Will I stay and try to fix my home or will I quit? Time will tell, I guess.

playlist

Devo - girl I want
Korn - freak on a leash
INXS- the stairs
Elvis Costello - indoor fireworks
INXS -Faith in Each other
Faith no more - I won't forget you
Cure - close to me
Hootie and the blowfish - only wanna be with you
Elvis Costello - lovable
Fleetwood Mac - Go your own way
Elvis Costello -I hope you are happy now
Cake -Friend is a four letter word
Chris Cornell - Can't change me
Billy Joel - And So it goes
INXS - not enough time
The Cardigans - Lovefool
....

If there were a way to psychoanalyze a playlist, what would my verdict would be ?

Coprocephalic -- or Shithead
I agree!

Technology

I am an engineer by education. No, not a namby-pamby software engineer, but a blacksmith-mechanical one. I spent four years learning how metals work, how things are built, how engines work and take them apart and put them back together. As it turns out I work as a namby-pamby software engineer now, moving bits in machines that are of interest to few geeks like me… to send out things like email and stop viruses from infesting your email system and arcane things like that.
Yet, there are times when technology takes my breath away.

I bought a sewing machine last week. A computerized sewing machine, Janome harmony. It has a microprocessor that controls thread tension and needle placement. I am in love.

I learnt to sew when I was very young; my mom had a mechanical Singer, a black thing made out of cast iron with black shiny paint and gold lettering. By the time I was 13 I knew how to take apart the bobbin housing and put it back together, change the needle, the belt, and pretty much fix anything that was wrong with it. I used to love that machine. My Barbie’s had the best wardrobe ever and I even remember making a huge patchwork quilt out of that mechanical contraption.

My mom replaced it with a modern expensive electronic machine while I was in college. I could never work that ... it was like trying to work with VB after programming in C. I couldn't use pointers and make my application have a smaller footprint... it had a lovely UI though. Needless to say, my love for designing and sewing waned.

And then I got the Janome. It adjusts to the fabric and changing the needle is just like old times, It responds well to pedal pressure and best of all, my love for sewing is back. It was like that when I bought a Steamer for my clothes or the Kitchen Aid kitchen machine which could knead the dough to the perfect elasticity for rolling out the yummiest chapattis or the mix the best chocolate chip cookie dough.

I have never stopped to marvel at the tin box that I can drive to over 150kms/hr to get where I need to, or the rolling belt on which I can run indoors or the perfect temperature of the hot water in my kitchen or bathroom, or the wonder of inoculation or traveling at the speed of sound or the incandesent glass bulb that makes candles an ornamental fragrence source. I do marvel at the sound of a CD, it seems like the orchestra is playing just for me or the amazing photosensitivity of my digital camera that gets wonderful pictures in almost any light or the clarity of the images from the DVD which brings places I have never seen so close...and then there is my steamer and the kitchen machine and sewing machine which makes me marvel at this thing called technology..
I guess I am girl after all :)

Ah Men...

According to Mary Beth Ellis the sexiest movie men are as follows:

Sean Astin
Antonio Banderas
Tom Selleck
Michael J. Nelson
John Cusask
Harrison Ford
Will Smith
Viggo Mortensen
Heath Ledger
Hugh Jackman

link: http://msnbc.msn.com/id/9066263/


The lady likes her men dark and handsome(not all of them are tall :)).

That got me thinking to my list of top movie men... I realized I did not favor 'Dark' men as such, I had a fair sprinking of blonds and tawnys... Yeah, tall was important, but apart from couple all show some signs of an active brain( you gotta have one dumb blonde that you adore :))...
so my list:
Robert Redford -- what can I say, tall- blond, blue eyes , smart with a twinkly smile... my perfect dreamboat. "He was like the country he lived in, everything came too easy to him" thus he is described by Katie in 'the way we were' ... the perfect description, methinks.

Tom Hanks -- Dark and goofy with a penchant for witty repartee. Twinkly eyes and a lovely open smile. Big, Man with one red shoe, Turner and Hooch... ofcourse Sleepless in seattle, Philadelphia and not to forget 'that thing you do'. Sigh ...

Matt Damon -- Naughty blue eyes, a mischievous smile and loaded with smarts! He stole my heart in Good Will Hunting. Another man who quit harvard to pursue his dreams( I work for another one of those). His interviews read like stories, the guy should seriously consider writing more, he is a damn good story teller.

Hugh Jackman-- Ah, tall -dark and handsome, with an aussie accent, who sings like an angel... What else could a girl want :). Someone like You, typical chick-flick... fell in love with his one-liners ( " oh this? I bit myself shaving") and his smile :)


Others include Jude Law ( the dumb blond), George Clooney ( as Carrie said he is like a chanel suit.. he'll never go out of fashion ...), Will Smith ( everyone has to love him...), Josh Lucas( how could you not...), Ryan Phillippe ( the dumb brunnette?)...
this will have to do for now :)

Harry Potter and the half blood prince

Harry and his friends sixth year at Horgwarts. Lord Voldemort is back, the world is in panic, death eaters and dementors are on the loose... The daily Prophet brings news of death and mayhem everyday. Harry is the quidditch team captain and Ron and Hermione are prefects. Bill is getting married to Fleur. Harry and Co are 16 now, the tone of the book has changed-- romance tends to throw a different light on things and friends :). Malfoy has a mission and Snape makes an Unbreakable Vow. All in all an eminiently readable 650 pages.

JK Rowling, she is one the most masterful kids story writers in my humble opinion. Soccer’s stone was first published in 1998, by a single mom who had a story to tell. In less than a decade she has become one of the most celebrated authors of kid’s literature the world has ever seen.

The books do not talk down to kids and she does not present the world in clean clear light, she does not hide the ambiguity and grayness. Harry goes thru the most terrible conflicts and self doubts, trying to figure out good from evil and learning most times that both reside in the same place. There are no idols, Dumbledore is the closest to one, but he too says "I make mistakes like the next man. In fact, being- forgive me - rather cleverer than most men, my mistakes tend to be correspondingly huger".

It has the elements of fantasy and unbridled imagination... I love the way she takes ordinary things and translates them to the wizard land. The fireplace transport, the moving people in the paintings and photographs, the crazy candy, Hogwarts express from platform number 9 3/4. The house elves, the pumpkin Juice, the sorting hat, the subject-- Divination, Potions, Charms, Herbology... I love the way the normal things from school have been extrapolated to this wizard world. Fifteen inches of parchment on werewolves! The curses lumous, accio, Expelliarmus, Petrificus Totalus .. and the names Albus, Remus, Minevera, Severus, Sirius... She sounds like she is having a blast, poking fun at all those adult things like discipline and rules and latin that kids find tedious-- as she teaches the kids who read about the things in life that are truly important- loyalty, friendship, love, trust...

And not to forget, the game, quidditch.

I have a couple male friends of mine complain about that game... "it is stupid, how can you not have better rules and how can you just end the game if the snitch is caught?" And as I sat there listening to the two grown men crib about why quidditch was a stupid, I started laughing. This was brilliant. This was a game created by a woman, of course it was going to be a fast paced game that she could end as soon as the snitch was caught( while letting potter being the hero cause he could be the seeker:))

Did I say that I enjoy the books most of all because Joanne Kathleen Rowling seems to write like she is enjoying herself immensly?

Another Thursday Morning

Hey!
Hey yourself, how have you been!
Good, which floor?
Four. It's been crazy busy.
Yeah, I checked in the watson stuff last friday. 30,000 crashes in one bucket...
Wow!
Yeah, all because a of missing curly brace in a format string.
OMG... really?
uh-huh.
It was not until I was in my office and was checking my email that I realized what a supremely geeky conversation I had in the elevator. And I didn't think anything of it. Yuck... I have become such a nerd.

The 'in' thing

Tis summer now and most days I get to see more flesh than I can shake a dynaband at.
I am amazed, at what I see around me. Women all ages, shapes and sizes in low rise pants and clingy shortie tubes, halters and sphagetti straps.
There was a time when only the most stick figure of figures would dare to wear the bum-huggers-midriff-baring-stitched-with-you-inside outfits, while the rest of mere mortals would look upon them and sigh.
It can only be a rise in the feministic element, the cry "real women have curves"... which leads to the rise in the number of women I see baring their curves. The feminist in me rejoices at increase in the body image of the average girl that makes her get out of the house in such an outfit...
Or is it just the blind following of the "in" God? The cynic in me asks. Has the body image factor really gone up? Is the number of girls that are secretly bulimic and anorexic become any lower? Statistics do not support my theory. Obesity is at an all time high ... the teen models are unhealthily skinnier than ever... Why this masochistic fashion trend then?
On an average the low-slung hip huggers and the clingy tops are far more flattering than the tied at your rib-cage Katherine Hepburn pants which had no shape to speak off... or the careless-stressed sweatshirts which sat on you like a gunny sack and made you look like an out of shape football player.
The aesthetic in me cringes when I see girls in the too tight-translucent-skinny fit shirts exposing a pudgy midriff. Low sluggers are more flattering but how low should we go? A less than 7 inch rise leads to exposure that is only flattering to you if your BMI is less than 15 (or if you are Jessica Simpson).

So do you stay at home if the ‘in’ thing is something that you cannot possibly look good in? Or do you starve yourself to bits to look what the models on the runways and the girls on billboard look like... Oh wait half the population is already attempting this.
What do you fight then to create a sense of style that works for you without making you feel bad about yourself? Can we change what the fashion trendsetter decide is the 'in' thing? Probably not, but we can change how blindly we follow it…
I guess the pendulum has to swing all the way to the other end before it centers again.
Till then, I reserve the right to cringe every time a I see a peep thru g-string cutting fat into unflattering islands and every time a woman bends down to pick something she dropped on the floor.

Up, Down and Out

In management jargon, you manage up, down and out --

Managing Down- meaning you manage your team their expectations, their goals and results. This is easy to me. You are in charge and you are ultimately responsible for the results, but you divide the tasks... everyone does their piece; you teach, coax, dictate and manage. Your first priority is the business needs and second priority your people and their well being. They switch sometimes; longer term, happy satisfied employees make for success. Done.

Managing Out- meaning manage your peers, communicate with them, lean on them, have them lean on you... You are equals, partners. You vent, you crib, ask for advice and generally work together leveraging the best in each other. This is easy. Done.

Managing Up- This is about outlining your expectations, aligning your priorities with your manage(ment). Giving them realistic and timely feedback, keeping them informed about the obstacles that come your way. Ask for advice and support.
This is where it starts getting fucked up. You are responsible for your team and you are at par with your peers but where do you stand with your manager? Your manager is your boss, he judges you. He is the one, who awards you promotions and bonuses.

There is a slight tension in the roles of mentor and manager. I expect to be able to go up to my mentor and blurt out all my shortcomings and failures and ask for help and advice. But I would never do that to my boss, would I? But how will I learn, if I do not admit what it is that I am having difficulty with? It is kinda like my (now) relationship with my parents. I am grownup who manages a fairly successful life on her own, but when it comes to my parents, I become a truculent 16 year old. Unreasonable, stubborn. I know how to cajole and reason, but I will not do that with them. I want them to be the grownups ( so that I can be the kid).
I have been lucky to have had really good managers earlier in my career, where I could lay down all my faults and have them help me triage and figure out plan of action, recognize my strengths and weaknesses and help me leverage one and overcome the other. As I climb up the corporate ladder I have to 'manage' my own career and laying out of faults is not allowed. I cannot ask questions without having a plan of action. I can ask for approval but not for a solution... or can I?

I have been puzzling the conundrum for a while now. Sometimes, I get a peek at a workable solution. Learning to balance; just like I have learnt to balance micro-managing and being hands-off with my reports. I need to recognize the issues where I need more coaching and areas where I can be on my own. Present a balanced picture, keep in touch, teach my manager how to help me and stop thinking of him as an omniscient - omnipotent being, leverage his strengths... almost a partner in a way.

Some days I get it and other days the kid in me throws a tantrum...I think I am getting there. One step at a time. There is a lot more to experience. That is why it takes time :)

Another friday morning

It is a glorious friday morning.
I live in one of the satellite cities of Seattle, one on the less hip 'east-side'. I work in a local software company and my daily commute is about 20-25 mins (yes, I paid big bucks to live this close to work!). On my daily commute I drive alongside a golf course, and even see the (in)famous Mt Rainer on the horizon if the day is clear.
Today while I was driving along the verdant golf course and wondering( read envying) about the people who have the time to 'golf', a golf ball hit our car. Me and Uma were woken out of our complacent rumination ( it was bagel and cream chesse today). As the little while ball bounced of the hood of the car, to the sound track of "I am nut" we were giggling, helplessly....

Good morning!

Self-deception

You can't focus on the results because you are focused on yourself.
My self-justifying image about being learned is the very thing that keeps me from learning.

We are so afraid of censure and inadequacy that the only way to feel better is to blame others and make them less. We put ourselves in a box so that we can feel righteous, secure even. If the other person is wrong, we are right. We give in, we cope, we apologize... even though we are busy, on the inside, hating and blaming others.

I have done it often. And, everytime I feel inadequate, I do it again. Enter my box, deceive myself to cover up for some fault of my own. The problem is it doesn't make me feel better, it makes others feel worse and my temporary self-righteousness fades and my faults come back and smack me, right in the face.

Leadership and Self Deception - getting out of the box
The Arbinger Institute
http://www.leadershipnow.com/leadershop/5094-9.html

Shortcut to the top

In this 'jet age' where taking two steps at a time to get to the next level is the measure of success, this article seems like my mom's stern voice telling me "there are no shortcuts to success". Jokes apart, I do believe that there is something to it.
“Leaders are mostly made, not born.They are made by being put into challenging jobs that require them to earn followers in order to perform. Leadership is a performing art, just like diving or singing, and the instrument is you. It takes lots of practice and it takes considerable self-knowledge and self-management.”

The long and short of it is "experience". The much hated word. The word I despised when I was a young twenty something full of vim and vigor, ready to melt mountains. I think I had it in me to do it then. The operative word being 'me'. There is a world of difference between doing something yourself and teaching and motivating and inspiring a team of people to buy into your vision and do it. And that, as cliched as it sounds, needs one to slow down, reflect, learn, and grow, and become a leader.

The image that comes to mind when one thinks of a leader is a swashbuckling knight, up on a white horse --charismatic, larger than life, with impossible to emulate qualities. Real leaders who have inspired me to put in impossible hours and do crazy amounts of work have been much different. "these leaders were individuals who blend 'extreme personal humility with intense professional will.' Although fearless, they were also modest and shy, motivating others with inspired standards rather than inspiring charisma. "

It is sometimes a jolt to the system, when you really get it, because with the getting of it comes the realization that there is so much more that you need to get. With every mountain you cross the series of mountains ahead of you becomes clearer and slowly the brain understands and accepts that it is about how you cross the mountains and not how fast you cross them. Or maybe it is just what I have learnt and there are others who have found their pot of gold at the end of the mountain by jumping three levels ( or was it the end of the rainbow). And maybe, all of us have our own journey and getting it is about the currency that we value.

Read the entire article here: http://www.gsb.stanford.edu/news/research/lead_responsibilities.shtml

Moms

As told by children from 2 grade ( thanks gail:))

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Get Married ? Why?

• I went to school, got a degree, then I got a job, this is what I am supposed to do next, right?
• My parents expect me to get married.
• I can't do everything myself.
• I want to have my own home.
• I want to have childern.
• I want to take care of someone.
• I want someone to take care of me.
• I don't want to come home to an empty house.
• This way someone will be obliged to have sex with me when I am ugly,old and fat.
• I don't want people to think I am queer.
• I got (her) knocked up.
• I love them, this way they won't go away when we fight, atleast not that easily.
• I can't imagine living without him/her.
• I am afraid of dying alone.
• I am bored.
• I am sick of the merry-go-round.
• I met the 'One'.
• I get to have a great big wedding.
• I am getting older.
• i don't want to die a virgin.
• I want to settle down.
• I love him/her.
• I am lonely.
• Need to keep the family line going.
• I want to have someone to have and to hold.
  
  The many reasons I have heard over the past 20 years from people on why get married.
  

Memories

Mem’ries,
Like the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories
Of the way we were
Scattered pictures,
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were
Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we? could we?
The way we were...

Two Girls

A little under six years ago, I went to my doc for the 20 week ultrasound. I was sure the kicker in my tum was a wanna be soccer player and was already bent upon kicking his mom's butt. But then the lady at the exam smiled "it is a girl!". I didn't think much of it at the time, the only feeling can remember is relief... I didn't get men, there was no way, I could raise one.
Over the years i have dared to dream, a little bit. About what mom and daughter could do ...the girlie stuff. I see a young lady whoes favourite colors are pink and purple. She is affectionate and kind, she hides her face when ever people raise their voices in the TV. She loves to talk. She has a ton of little kids who she feeds, dresses, talks and puts to bed ( and does not perform surgery upon) .

And today, we went to a nails shop and got a pedicure. We walked in, picked out our colors. Uma picked out a sugar pink and I picked out a pink too, in her honor. We sat as the girls trimmed the cuticles, massaged the feet and put on the nail color. I turned to look at her about a hundred times in the 20 min interval, while she sat there chatting with the girl who was doing her nails, talking about her school, her favourite color and what kind of flowers she wanted on the big toe.
Then the two girls dried their nails, exchanged notes, put their shades back on and walked out to the car... ready to tackle the summer with open toed sandals and pink toes!